After living with my partner for 23 years, he decided he wanted ‘something different’ three years ago this Christmas. I was broken – it devastated me! You see, for the majority of that relationship, he emotionally controlled me. He ‘gaslighted‘ me, and I completely lost myself; I didn’t know who I was anymore, I was numb, emotionally broken and didn’t even realise.

Whilst there was no one else involved in our break up, he soon found someone he was more than happy with. Our financial situation meant that we had to keep living under the same roof for several long and horrible months. He would go and see his girlfriend, and I stupidly, would give him the money to do so, because he would make life impossible if I didn’t (see, it was all my fault, and I shouldn’t hold him back). He would come back after a weekend with her, and carry on normally. He would talk to her on the phone,  whilst lying next to me in bed and it was me being unreasonable by wanting him to move into the spare room!

Never mind.

Three years down the line, and I’m getting there; I don’t think of him much nowadays.  When I do,though, it’s still with a sense of shock over what happened, but it’s easier to move on now, fuss the dogs, play some music, whatever. It’s taken time, and huge amounts of support from my fantastic friends (xxx).

Finding a career I love, and am good at, has helped, finding a place to call my own has helped, and of course, the dogs, my gorgeous, wonderful companions through life, have helped.

I can do this thing; yes, things still floor me and send me into stomach churning fits of panic and anxiety, but I can do this thing called living – usually lol

Author: malamute musings

I'm owned by a working team of Alaskan Malamute sled dogs, am a pagany philosophy student, and pretend to be a professional writer - all these add up to .......well, me. And that's what I blog about - random musings, thoughts and being dragged around.

4 thoughts on “Life”

  1. Sometimes I am ashamed to be a man but then I realise that your ex wasn’t a man in any acceptable sense. We make mistakes, we change, we move on but to expect to remain in the same house as you once he has torn your life asunder is dreadful. I know of a few other such creatures who treat women as property or cannot admit that they have contributed to the relationship breakdown, one of these was married to one of our daughters. You have my admiration and respect for what you are doing and the way in which you are doing it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words xxx
      My ex had his issues (don’t we all) and must have been under immense pressure on all sides. I’m in no way excusing him, trust me, but things happen to change us all, both positively and negatively.
      Never be ashamed of being a man – just be the best man you can, and that will put you miles above these lowlifes – who, lets face it, can be women too; men certainly don’t have that monopoly!
      I hope your daughter is doing okay – you say ‘was’ so I assume she is free now?


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